If I had a son, I would hope he would end up like Stewie.

Stewie Griffin quotes...as taken from this website. (note Stewie is maybe 1 years old).

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
Waitress: Here you go, fella. From Flappy himself.
Stewie: I don't care if they...
[Stewie is force-fed a bite of pancakes]
Stewie: Oh... oh these are delectable. Hey, Flappy. Good news. I've decided not to kill you.

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
[watching a baseball game]
Stewie: Why does that man drop his club before he runs? I would bring it with me.

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
Stewie: This isn't the first time my small stature has hindered my plans.
[flashback]
Auctioneer: Item 157... Global Domination. Enslave the human race. Do I have any bids?
Stewie: OOH. OOH. ME. ME.
Auctioneer: I'll take any bids. $1. Enslave the human race for $1?
Stewie: BEHIND THE FAT CHICK. OOH. OOH.

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
[during a smoking conference]
Stewie: Baby needs to suck ash. Baby needs to suck ash. Not ass, you pervert. Save it for the interns.

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
Stewie: Jeffrey. Take the 4.20 from Hounslow out of your mouth.

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
Stewie: Soooo Broccoli, mother says you're very good for me. But I'm afraid I'm no good for you.

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
Stewie: Cut my eggs.
Butler: [cuts eggs] Your eggs are cut sir.
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Butler: I can’t sir, it’s liquid.
Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it, and if you question me again I’ll put you on diaper detail and I promise I won’t make it easy for you.


Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: Damn you vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: The breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I don't... I have no problem... it's just there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. Uh... I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God! Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: No sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: [To ticket agent] Now look here...
[looks at agent's name tag]
Stewie: Jo-LENE. I have an army to raise and I must get to Managua at once. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: [After Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"] Damn you, Damn the Broccoli, and Damn the Wright Brothers.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: Did you forge my name? How dare you! Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? I'm going to crap double for you tonight.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: Isn't it funny how they say "life is like a box of chocolates"? Well in your case, dear mother, life is like a box of active grenades!

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: Oh, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: Ha ha. Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
[while Peter is changing Stewie]
Stewie: No, you idiot. That's not baby powder, that's paprika. Ahhhh! Take that.

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Li: Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
Stewie: I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: Oh I feel so delightfully white trash. Mommy, I want a mullet.

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
[watching cheerleaders change in a locker room]
Stewie: It appears my wee-wee's been stricken with rigor mortis.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
Stewie: Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said, "I'm going to kill you."

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
Stewie: Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
Stewie: Make sure there's a fresh copy of Wall Street Journal next to the changing table.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
Meg: Mom, guess what, I made Flag Girl squad!
Stewie: Flag Girl? Um yes good for you. Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
Stewie: So, what do you think of this "Music Television?"
Stewie: I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
Stewie: I love God. He's so deliciously evil.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
Guy in Chicken Suit: Enjoy your chicken sandwich.
Stewie: Enjoy your studio apartment.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
[Lois is washing Stewie's hair in the sink]
Stewie: Careful. It's 'gently rub the scalp', not 'scrub like you're trying to get the vomit out of a Christmas dress', you stupid holiday drunk.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
Meg: Can I be in the play, Mom?
Stewie: Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.

Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
[While trying to potty-train Stewie]
dad: Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer, it'll run right through you.
Stewie: Beautiful. And while we're at it we can light up a dubey and watch porn.
dad: Rea... Really?